One Big Happy Weasley Family: The Wizarding World is Doomed
by sylversylvan
Summary: Also known as "Molly Weasley's Plan to take over the World is More successful than Voldemort's" Now including ("What happened to Sirius) and (Inbred Idiots) Drabbles featuring Silly situations from the Series to be added Later. Idea Poachers Welcome, just send link for story so I can read it.
1. Chapter 1

If I owned Harry Potter, something so scary as this wouldn't happen.

Originally researched from an offhand comment "half the students will be redheads or Potters, or both". Rewritten for more coherence, math has been re-done as well. There is a new funny scene at the bottom.

Out of the 172 'Wizarding Families' 83 are viable (not extinct, out of the country, or in jail) when Harry's generation becomes adults. One is the Weasleys, one is the Longbottoms (related to the Weasleys) and one is the Potters (marries Weasley). So, how long would it take before everyone is related to the Weasleys?

In Harry's Generation, 80 families are not related to the Weasleys, and three are.

I know this is a simplification, since Muggleborns will be constantly joining, and some families will have been related previously to each other, and some having more than two children clouding up the gene pool. Not to mention only children who didn't reproduce and ended their line. Let's assume that the Muggles and Muggleborns entering the society are just enough to cancel out the inbreeding that I'm not tracking Since there is not clear information about how many Muggleborns are in Harry's year (9?) or later years, and also not enough information on which families are related to each other or how closely, other than a few offhand comments, we'll ignore both previous degrees of relation and future muggleborns.

We'll assume that every family has two Wizarding kids, to replace the parents. Not every WR person is going to marry a wizard, but, honestly, how many will marry muggles? It happens, yeah, but look at how many 'halfbloods' are from muggles vs. muggleborns. All the WR kids will be marrying wizards in this model.

Math is Non-W minus new Weasleys for tentative total for NW remaining in Britain. Everything is rounded up. No half-people. For the extra people that come from this rounding, pretend that WR: two kids from that family married WR, NW: Had more than two kids.

Generation

HG WR-3 NW-80 80-6(WR marry outside WR, no inbreeding!)=74

G1 WR-6 NW-74 74-12=62

G2WR-12 NW-62 62-24=38

G3WR-24 NW-38 38-48…Wait. Ten of those kids can't marry wizards

One Big Happy Family…and a few Muggleborns.

4 generations, the legal amount of time before a family can intermarry, according to google, came too late for the Wizarding world. The majority of the Wizarding world is 3rd cousins or closer to one another, barring muggleborns, and those extra children we didn't count. Then again, there were 7 Weasleys, plus Longbottom. We only counted Harry/Ginny, Bill, and Ron/Hermione. And we KNOW the first pair had more than two kids.

"Harry!" recognizing the voice as Bill's oldest daughter's niece, Harry turned around with a smile. Only for it to fade as half of the platform crowd turned with him. Why did all of his classmates have to name their kids after him? Half of his grandkid's classmates had been some version of Harry, James, or Lily. The other half were redheads. Apparently, Weasley Red was a dominant color.


	2. Chapter 2: Origins

The wizarding world as a whole disliked killing people. This was originally because they could feel the magic disappearing as the person died, that horrible emptiness where there used to be something so _bright_. Better lifelong torment, such as in Azkaban, than having an executioner deal with having caused _that_.Of course, as fewer and fewer sensors were born, they forgot exactly why they had an aversion to death, they just kept up with an irrational fear of killing. Not that there's anything wrong with that...except when you outnumber the bad guys three to one but still can't catch them because when you went through Auror training the most lethal spell you were taught was one that caused seizures. (Then they would stop running _and_ drop their wand!)

But back to the not-killing.

Since they refused to kill, the wizards needed a way to get rid of their worst criminals: the rapists (which they took more seriously than muggles, because if the victim had a breakdown because of it, well, just ask Dumbledore about his sister) the murderers, and the child abusers. Just putting them someplace was out, since they needed the space and didn't really have many people willing to do guard duty. (I joined to catch Dark Lords, not watch some ninny count ceiling tiles 8 hours a day!)

In the end, they came up with the veil of death. A person would go in, and come out at some time (they weren't exactly sure when, but it couldn't be before the veil was built) and they would be...different. Small, ugly, and with the insatiable _need_ to serve, to right their wrongs. They wouldn't remember who they were, or what they did, but they would feel the need to make up for it. Community Service to the extreme.

Thus, one hundred wizards and witches were thrust through the arch, and shortly after the first house elf was bonded to the Malfoy line, who claimed that they were due, as they were rather pretty but weak, making good targets for miscreants of all types, proved by the fact that they were down to seven, three of which had been raped or molested at least once in their lives. Most families treated their elves badly, remembering their origins, but did not inform the creatures why they did so. Some, of course, treated them worse than others, and the arch would scan the criminals at their entry and send them to an appropriate group. The slightly mad witch who murdered her husband because he wouldn't stop snoring was sent to the Longbottom's, while the wizard who like to slit babies throats and leave them in their bassinets for their mothers to find, he went to the Potter's who treated their elves even worse than the Malfoy's.

These facts were related to Hermione Granger by a sneering twenty-four year old Draco Malfoy when she worked up the courage to ask him to join SPEW.

One night in the Department of Mysteries, an innocent man was pushed through the veil. Normally, such a situation would have the person coming out the other side unharmed, but just as Sirius Black hit the curtain, a combination of a high powered stunner, malnourishment, stress, and shock at the situation culminated in giving him a heart attack.

The veil could let him fall through, but he would die, he was in no condition to last the twenty or so minutes it would take the children to get him help. Or it could condemn him to a life as a servant. Seeing as it had been created specifically in order to avoid killing people...

It sent him to the Malfoy's because it had heard that being near family was good for people.

One day, the slightly mad elf (due to the guilt spell not having enough darkness in the soul to anchor to) overheard his master plotting something and hoping that Harry Potter would get caught up in it. The poor elf was terrified.

Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts! Unfortunately, his logic skills were no better as a house elf than a human. Really? A mad bludger?


	3. Chapter 3: Inbred Idiots

When researching the first chapter, I noticed something that took this long to sink in...

...A year after the final Chapter, 18 yrs before the Epilogue...

...

Harry listened with growing fury as the man in front of him at Gringotts explained to his son that a reliably updated family tree was of the utmost importance, his voice distorting in Harry's mind until he heard Malfoy's drawling tone. It was especially important, the man continued, when thinking of future marriage partners. Harry had heard enough.

...

"Enough," he said, in a sharp tone, "we don't need any more of that sort of talk." The man frowned at him...

"Excuse me? Keeping an updated family tree is extremely important...I suppose that a muggle-raised half-blood wouldn't know. Ask one of your pure-blood friends...other than those blood-traitors." Harry's blood boiled and it was all he could do not to swing at the man, the only thing stopping him being that Aurors were not allowed to injure citizens over disagreements. He'd be suspended.

...

"Better a half-blood or blood-traitor than an inbred idiot like Crabbe or Goyle," he sneered.

...

There were gasps and whispers from the crowd. Good, people needed to talk about this, stand up to these bigots. He'd only defeated Voldemort a year ago, this attitude couldn't be allowed to take hold again.

...

"Don't speak of things of which you have no knowledge. Those two were cursed by their muggleborn babysitter when their mother refused to have an affair with him. It was an old curse that reduced mental acuity in the hopes that rival heirs would die young, luckily it loses it's hold after twenty or so years. (Harry's stomach plummeted. He hadn't known. Then again, people didn't talk about that sort of thing. He hadn't heard about Neville until he'd asked directly, or about Dumbledore's sister until that old lady tried to 'teach him' about Dumbledore)They are not even close to inbred, not that you've got any room to talk about that," the man spat.

...

"My mother was a muggleborn, and the Potters aren't inbred!"

...

"The Potters _weren't_ inbred, you mean."

...

"I do not believe that this is the time for a grammar lesson," Harry hissed.

...

"Your grandmother was Dorea Potter, formerly a Black, correct?"

...

"Yes, so?!"

...

"That wife of yours' the one who looks just like your mother (Harry only just stopped himself from cursing the man, his hand was on his wand, but he managed to pull it back) is also a Black." Harry snorted.

...

"Ginny's a Weasley."

...

" _This_ is why we need to have complete family records. Why we need to make the muggle-born and raised take this seriously. They come from the muggle world, where there is a much larger pool of candidates, while we must marry wizards, or live in fear that the muggles we date may turn on us when we tell them of our magic, or attempt to expose our world," he said to his son. he then turned back to Harry, "Blood traitor refers to the way that they refuse to keep any sort of family tree, not, as _some_ would claim, to their past-times. Why would we call someone, for example, a 'muggle-loving blood traitor', if they meant the same thing? If they had kept a proper family history, you would know what I am about to tell you. Ursula Flint had, among her children, Arcturus Black the third and Cygnus Black the third. Cygnus Black had a daughter named Dorea Black, who married Charlus Potter and had a child named James. Arcturus had a daughter named Cedrella, who married Septimus Weasley, who had a son named Arthur. _I_ married a half-blood from out of the country. _You_ married your third cousin."

...Eighteen years later...

...

Harry stood on the platform 9 3/4 and waved goodbye with a heavy heart to his two adopted children, as they went off to their first and fourth year of Hogwarts, and his eldest, and only blood child, who was now re-taking his fifth year for the third time...

...

Ginny had been pregnant, and it was impossible to abort a magical child, not to mention the Weasley's had been horrified. Although Squib children could be miscarried, a wizarding child's magical core would protect it from damage. it was possible to kill the child, but it usually took the mother with it. And with a child on the way, harry couldn't just leave Ginny.

...

And yes, that family tree is real.


End file.
